The Mind's I

I traded faith for love
Without a second thought
It all became a silly game
Some things cannot be bought
I got exactly what I asked for
Wanted it so badly
Running rushing back for more
I suffered fools so gladly
And now I find
I've changed my mind
-- Madonna "Substitute for Love"
Ray of Light

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October 16, 1998
What's love got to do with it?

This is a conversation I had on ICQ with my exboyfriend, Mark, today. I am angry and sad. The conversations started out with me talking about my newly done online journal website and my surprise yesterday that ma bought me a gorgeous chinese dress.

Well done, as always.
> Ma bought me a gorgeous chinese dress.
Cool -- my sister is wearing a kimono to the Northeast District Kadiwa formal next month. My aunt got it in California. $500. Ouch.

They are having a Northeast Formal? For like everyone?
Gosh, they must be hardpressed to get Kadiwa married. Are you going? Where is it being held?

> They are having a Northeast Formal? For like everyone?
Yeah, it's a district-wide event. Canadians, too. Virginia is unofficially showing up. (We're supposed to be part of the SouthEast district.)
> Are you going? Where is it being held?
My sister and I are going. I think it's going to be in NJ.

And you didn't tell me?!


You're no longer involved in INC, right? I didn't think you would be interested.

I wouldn't go, but if you're in jersey, you might as well visit me.

Note: I've been asking Mark to visit me for the past, oh... atleast 6 months and every once in a while when I talk to him online. He always has one excuse or another to not visit me, the most common being that "he's not ready yet". "When will he be ready?" I always think to myself. "When he gets himself a femina and not until then? Is he so insecure of himself?" I then start kicking myself for thinking that. He's a bright guy and I don't think he needs such emotional crutches like a girlfriend in order to face his exgirlfriend, and I think that it's mean for me to think that he needs it. I think, "Mark's a big boy. He should be able to deal with this."

I dunno...the Virginia people are riding up together in a van. I'll be going wherever the van goes.

Well, you know >I have a car<. I can meet you somewhere if you like.

By this time, Constant Reader, I am getting the feeling that he's doing his level best to avoid me. "No no no, Eileene, don't think that!" I thought to myself. "Let's give Mark the benefit of the doubt. He's adult enough to meet me in a friendly light, maybe even meet Mike. They'll get along really well, I'm sure."

I dunno. Not yet.

Not yet? Not yet? What does that mean, "Not yet"? I can't believe he's saying this. It's been 5 years!


It's been 5 years, Mark.

Yeah -- it's been five years since I've seriously dated anyway. I'd like to at least be seeing someone else before I see you again. For my sake.

I can't believe he's saying this. I can't believe what a coward he is. He acts so tough and macho racing his car and working out and pumping up. He has friends around him. Family. And he's too cowardly to come and see me without having a girlfriend of his own? I can't believe this. I can't believe that this is the same guy that I dated so long ago. I am really disgusted at this. I think of him as such a spineless boy, the one too afraid to ask someone out because he's afraid of rejection. It's times like this that I'm glad that we're no longer dating. I can't date emotion-filled spineless creatures. Mike isn't necessarily Mr. Tough, but he is rational and reasonable... and I love that. I need that in my life. Mark could never give me that and I think it was a good decision for us to break up.

I think I'll just give up on the idea of ever seeing you again.

I'm sorry that you're not secure enough in who you are that you can't see your exgirlfriend for a friendly cup of coffee and chat.

I just don't want to be hurt again. I've been hurt enough as of late.

It's sad that you can't even think of it as "closure".
Nevermind. I won't ask you ever again to see me 'cause it will never happen.

That ended our conversation and I haven't talked to him since. I don't think I want to talk to him. Should I have been less harsh and more forgiving and understanding? I've been understanding for a long time and he just makes excuses. It's the same with the church. He's not willing to say that he's no longer interested in the church. He's not willing to stand up for his principles. It makes me terribly sad and angry at the same time. I don't know how to effect him anymore. Is what I'm asking too much to ask? I don't think it is.

© Copyright 1998, Eileene Coscolluela