back contents next September 30, 1999

For No One (On Display Collaboration)

Your day breaks, your mind aches
You find that all the words of kindness linger on
When she no longer needs you

Love can be a silly and fickle thing.

Sometimes, I've found that one still goes through the motions of love even when it's gone. The last time that happened to me was with Mark. I stopped being in love with him long before I stopped going through the motions with him. I still care for him and love him today, but it's a different. It took me a while, however, to stop dancing the same "I'm in love with you" dance. It was hard to stop. But eventually I did.

She wakes up, she makes up
She takes her time and doesn't feel she has to hurry
She no longer needs you

I'm not sure how long I had been out of love with him when I realized it. It was a hard habit to break, certainly. We dated off and on for four years. He was this ever-present manly element throughout my high school years, even when I would be with someone else. I never stopped talking to him in that way. The way two lovers would converse with each other, touch each other in public places. He never changed. He still hasn't, really. I think that's why I fell out of love with him. We didn't really grow together. I grew up, did some crazy things, learned my stupidity, opened myself up to the world. He was just Mark. Just there. He always was just there.

I just stopped needing him in that manly way. I certainly liked him a lot. I still do for the same reasons I fell in love with him. But then I left that rapture.

You want her, you need her
And yet you don't believe her when she said her love is dead
You think she needs you

I think took a long time for him to accept that, yes, I no longer loved him in that way. I remember the way he looked at me the last time I saw him. We were standing in a field together and he kept staring at me with his eyes fixed on me. I kept wondering if he was trying to search for a little shred of something left and I tried to explain that I did care for him but just not in the way he wants me to care for him for the umpteenth time.

It hurt.

It hurt a lot.

Even though I no longer loved him.

By that time I had someone else and I remember it feeling strange that it did hurt. I thought to myself that it shouldn't. I've got someone. I've got someone I am in love with. But it's hard to stop dancing. I had worn the red shoes of love for so long that to stop it, to try to step differently was painful. It was hard to get the words out in person, even harder than on the phone. But even in that pain there was a sense of release. I had stopped pretending.

You stay home, she goes out
She says that long ago she knew someone but now he's gone
She doesn't need him

After I came to the realization that I no longer cared for Mark in that way, I decided to be a single girl. I was moving out to Illinois and I could sever my ties. I went out and he stayed home in Virginia. Things would be ok. As a single girl going to college, I could concentrate on my studies and focus on that. Graduate school. Research. No time for love. Bah, humbug!

Then I met Mike and my world changed. My college years found their manly focus.

Your day breaks, your mind aches
There will be time when all the things she said will fill your head
You won't forget her

I often wonder if Mark thinks of me in the same way that Mike thinks of Eri. Eri is Mike's last love. We're a lot alike.

When Eri broke off her long-standing relationship with Mike, he made a mix tape. He had grown to love the Beatles in college and one of his favorite songs was "For No One". I listened to the Beatles as I was growing up (thanks, Pa) and I recognized the song, but I never really heard the lyrics. I never really put myself and my situation in them.

I remember sitting in his room as he played the song for me. He turned to me and said, "I love the song because it's about how love really is."

We listen to the last verse of the song. "I think more about what socks I should wear that day than about Eri. But there are times when I can hear her voice in my head and I realize that although I love you and am in love with you, there is a part of me that can't forget her."

And in her eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years.

-- The Beatles "For No One" Revolver

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© Copyright 1999 Eileene Coscolluela