Knowledge is a bullet
by camorgan

Well, it's hard to tell where to start but as I've already covered my addiction bases with Napachick, I think the best place to being is a couple days before arriving at the theater...

I was sitting there at the desk in my office around 11:30pm. That's when she walked in. The finest lady I had seen since I had put down the Penthouse magazine a split second before she walked in, just as I was reaching for my piece. Reddish-brown hair that was cut to her chin, big brown eyes, wearing a sundress and a perfect smile; she had everything going for her, and soon I'd be part of the club.

She asked me, "Are you the Private... Eye?"

I could barely recover from what I had sworn, had hoped she was going to ask, but I managed to say, "Uulp, yeah?!? And you are Mrs...?"

"My name is Ms. Jenny but you can call me lil_mjk," she said. "I've got this problem, you see, these chickens have been abducting my friends and frankly, it frightens me."

"Uhhh... yeeaaah???" was the only response I could muster at such a stunning accusation. I had never known a chicken that would do anything close to that. Sure, the occasional sex crime but abduction?

"Will you take the case? However, I'm just a poor girl," she said coyly, "and can't really afford to pay you anything other than witty banter and sexual innuendo."

The story of my life but I took the case anyway... I was always a sucker for cute dames with a good story.

I got to the theater around 4pm, it was a hot day, the kind of day that makes you think of the days that weren't quite so hot. Then there it was, the Inwood Theater, bigger than day, bigger than life, and most definately bigger than a breadbox. There were a couple seedy characters outside the ticket booth as I made my way towards the door, a couple others sat on a bench. Shortly after my partner Carson arrived, the kind of guy you could depend on, the kind of guy that would never let you down... the kind of guy that probably has a deepfreeze full of women's feet clad in stilletto heels. We stood there for a moment, surveying the situation when we realized neither of us had a watch. I asked the couple on the bench for the time, which they gave me, but then asked a question which burns in my mind to this day, "Do you know anything about this movie? IS THIS REAL?"

"IS THIS REAL?", I thought to myself. To avoid pulling out my heater and ending it on the spot, I simply answered "No" and then shot a look at Carson that could have been as effective as the bullet. I envyed their childlike ignorance... uh, innocence, but I could not understand why someone would stand in line for 4 hours for a movie they knew nothing about, then it hit me, but this was something I could only confirm after the movie.

A line had begun to form so Carson and I quickly shuffled over to the advanced screening line to endure the looks of confusion and disdain from those who had choosen to not suffer our fate until Friday, if looks could kill there wouldn't have been a one of them still standing. Carson decided he needed a break as the heat beat him like a one armed man playing the bongos. As he walked off to the bookstore, the couple ahead of me spoke up, "So, do you know anything about Lake Placid?" Doh.... how much of this could I take without going on a murderous rampage? Again, I decided to keep my cool and not put them on ice so I simply answered, "I know that if I had the option of being hit repeated with tire irons or going to see Lake Placid, it would probably take about a good 30 minutes to come to a decision." This seemed to satisfy them as I got a "Huh-huh" laugh out of the male half of the couple.

TexasJen walked up like the dame she is, grinning and bouncing, bouncing and grinning, her hair now the color of tanzanite in stark contrast to the eggplant I had first met her with. By this time Carson had been back for a few minutes and Jen glady offered to let us grab a bite to eat. As Carson and I walked off the line was about 10 people deep...

... When we came out of the Mexican restaurant, you know, the kind of place that serves Mexican food, the line had grown to least 100 people. Carson and I quickly made our way back to our place in line and the wait began.

Two minutes later Carson and I decide we needed a beer so we head to the Lounge attached to the theater. A real swank place, a place I could get used to, a place that had a bar, and chairs and stuff. I ordered a beer and Carson did the same adding a pack of cigarettes. We made idle chit-chat with the couple next to us about TBWP when the bartender decided to chime in with the fact that he had watched a bootleg of this sometime ago. Carson's bullshit meter went off the scale but simply replied, "Then you really haven't see the movie."

Heading back outside the wait began anew. Five minutes later Carson and Jen, and by now her friend Jason, decided they needed a beer. As I waited outside, who should show up but Monica, a fine dish if I must say so, the kind of girl you could settle down to a nice evening of mud wrestling with. She went inside to meet Jen and Carson, and I chatted about Blade Runner with the folks behind me. Shortly after, seating began. T-shirts and CD's were passed out then the lights went down...

<-- insert movie here -->

...After the movie ended, everyone began breathing and applause died down to a smattering here or there. As I tried to leave my seat, I noticed that my legs were shaking. A movie had never affected me in that way before. I was impressed. As I wandered up the aisle I couldn't help but have a few regrets. I regretted having researched the movie so much. I really regretted the two spoilers I had accidentally read. I really really regretted eating Mexican food before the movie and from the panicked look on Carson's mug, he was too. I almost wished I had come in here as unknowing as the couple ahead of us in line, but then the female of the couple walked up and I changed my mind real quick. She didn't like the movie. Jen said she didn't want to hear it but I had to confirm my earlier suspicions. She, who I'll call She or her, said that it was too slow and you didn't get to see nothing and the end confused her. I was right, she had been commercialized. Jen's friend Jason simply retorted, "Well don't worry, Men in Black 2 will be out soon enough" and I kept trying to think of some way to lift the T-shirt she had gotten off of her.

I never solved the riddle about what was happening to Ms. Jenny's friends and never located that pack of rogue chickens but I throughly enjoyed my evening. And though I had my regrets, I also had plenty of likes, the experience and you guys. Thanks for taking me in and thanks for being such great people.

And then it rained...

camorgan is better known as Chris to family and friends. He's 28 and works as a software tester and rogue stripper in the Dallas/Fort Worth area.

© Copyright 1999 Eileene Coscolluela